UPDATE

The very day I wrote my last entry, someone got fired and I was reassigned to a new team.  And while the new team had its challenges, it meant I didn't work with you anymore, except long enough to train the temp that was replacing me.

And so it went for about two months until the company decided they weren't going to hire the temp, they juggled the teams some more, and I ended up with you again.

It was only a matter of time before the annoyances started.  Tick tock...tick tock, my friend.

Admittedly, I don't work with you as much one-on-one anymore, but everyone knows that working with you at all means...this blog will have new life.

Reason #28

Last night you emailed myself and another assistant, saying, "I hear all I need to do is ask for more and toner will appear on my printer..."

First off, if you don't know how to change the toner on your printer, you are clueless.  No other attorney here has ever asked me to change their toner.  Secondly, saying "Please" usually helps when you're asking people to do (stupid) things for you.  And last but not least, who do you think we are, the Toner Fairies?

So I left a box of toner on your printer.  There, it magically appeared on your printer.  And then this conversation happened:

YOU:  (gesturing to the box of toner on your printer) What's that?

ME:  (filing something) Your toner.

YOU:  Do I have to put it in?

ME:  Yes.

YOU:  I don't know how to do that.

ME:  (Trying to keep the disdain out of my voice) You don't know how to change toner?

YOU:  No.

ME:  What do you do at home?

YOU:  I don't have toner at home.

ME:  (says nothing and goes to change the toner because you are clueless and expect everyone to do everything for you because clearly you cannot be bothered to do these things for yourself)

Reason #27

You sent me an email saying "Go to this website BLAH BLAH BLAH and get this person's contact info.  His email address is BLAH BLAH BLAH.  In the notes please write BLAH BLAH BLAH."

In the time it took you to compose and send that email, you could've just done this yourself.

I'm not trying to shirk my assistant responsibilities but I'm not a big fan of doing stuff that you could've easily done yourself.  I'm not here to hold your hand and wipe your nose.  I'm here to do things you don't have time to do or to do the non-billable work such as copying exhibits, preparing document shells, filing stuff with the court, etc.  And you CLEARLY had time to do this because you spent the time to compose and send an email wherein you included almost all the information anyway.

And for the record, no other attorneys have had me routinely update their contacts.  But that's because you're special, isn't it?

If this job drives me to drink, I'm so billing them for rehab costs.

Reason #26

In your dictation tape, you say thinks like "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company."

I think I can handle possessive nouns.  And it takes longer to transcribe shit when you use say twice as many words as necessary.


And you referred to South Pasadena as "South Pas."

Who says that? 

You'll take the time to say "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company" but you can't be bothered to say "South Pasadena" because why, exactly?

Reason #25

You did not just clarify for me in your dictation tape that Sunset Plaza Drive "is three words."

Reason #24

To paraphrase Tom-Tom, head of the Six Chicks, from the movie 13 Going On 30, "I don't need a play by play."

I don't need to know that you're on your way into the office.  I'm going to assume that you are coming to work each day unless you tell me otherwise.   You don't need to email me or call me to let me know that you are in fact coming to work. 

And those times that you do call to tell me you're on your way in (which you don't need to do), you don't need to ask me if anyone is looking for you or if there is anything going on.  If there was, I would have contacted you to tell you so.

When you arrive to work, I don't need you to call me or email me to tell me that you are here.  (Especially since your voice is so loud that I can hear you all the way down the hall anyway.)

I don't need to know that you are going to Starbucks, are at Starbucks, or are on your way back from Starbucks.  Unless you're getting me a latte, I don't care.

I don't need to know that you are getting on a conference call, have a lunch at noon, or are going to a meeting.  Unless these things involve me in some way (you need me to prepare documents for you, you need me to make a lunch reservation, etc.) I don't need to know your every move.  Seriously.

If you're stepping out of the office to grab a coffee, or for a lunch meeting, I don't need to know this.  You only need to tell the Receptionist this so she knows how to handle your incoming calls.

I really don't need a play-by-play.

Reason #23

Several months ago we discussed that you were going to eventually need a second file cabinet because yours was quickly filling up.  We even discussed what type of file cabinet you wanted - one just like the current cabinet, that way they would fit nicely next to each other in that space and it wouldn't block the view out your windows.

And even though you're a notoriously messy person who has crap laying all over her desk and around her desk and on the floor by her desk and all over the top of your filing cabinet, you suddenly got a burr in your saddle and you needed that filing cabinet now.   You and I emailed about it; I assured you via email that I had put in the request for your filing cabinet; the Office Manager confirmed via email we were getting it.

So we put the cabinet in your office, I put your files away, all is well in your messy office, oui?

Mais no!  Someone else in the office says that you are now saying you never said you wanted a file cabinet, you just wanted some boxes.  And you don't want that file cabinet, you want a bigger, taller one.  Uh, should we have a formal hearing on this so I can testify to you and I discussing not only that you wanted a file cabinet but exactly what kind you wanted?  And then as Exhibit A we can produce the emails wherein we all discussed your desire to have a file cabinet?

Where's that pencil? I need to stab myself in the eye.