Reason #39

You walked over to my desk to bring me a letter you wanted sent.  I was just sitting down to my desk and had my hands full.  When you said you had the letter, ready to go, I said, "Okay, you can just put it down" and nodded to the ledge. 

You said, "Well this is our original so I want to put it in your hands..."

I replied, "Well, my hands are full."  You can clearly see this. 

So you say, "Can I have a paperclip then?" because even though my hands are too full to take the document from you directly, they must not be too full to hand you a paperclip.

Did we really just have this conversation? Do you really not trust that I am capable of sending a document that you leave on the ledge for me?  Have I ever not sent your letters out?  Have I ever lost your letters?  I've been a legal assistant for over 10 years, and have many years of administrative work prior to that. 

Stop treating me like a child and/or stop acting like a diva.

Reason #38

The other day, while entering the revisions on your timeslip, I noticed you had circled the word "demurrer" and wrote "SP?" indicating you weren't sure if that word was spelled correctly.

You like bragging about how you're an attorney who's been practicing for over 20 years...and you don't know how to spell demurrer?  Granted, you don't deal with litigation, you usually handle transactional work, but you went to law school.  At Harvard. 

I've been working in the legal industry half as long as you and have not gone to law school, let alone Harvard, and even I know how to spell demurrer.

Not to mention, our time entry system tells you when you've spelled a word incorrectly and it did not indicate in your entry that it was misspelled.  So, common sense should have prevailed right there when your Harvard Law education failed you.

Reason #37

X called for you and you weren't answering reception when they tried reaching you so X naturally asked to speak to me.  When I buzzed you, you told me to tell X you were on a conference call and that you'd try to call him in about five minutes.  So I relayed that to X and got his number, even though he said, "She has it."  (Because I find when I do not ask for numbers, people ask, "Why didn't you get his number?")

You replied, and the beginning of your email said: 

hope you were nice (sure you were!)

 

Are you kidding me?  If you're so "sure" I was nice, why do you need to clarify that you hope I was?  And if I wasn't nice, do you think I'd have this job? 

Reason #36

HER: I will have a letter I am now dictating before my noon lunch that I will email to you for formatting that I'd like after lunch so I can get it right out the door...I don't know when you go to lunch.  Please let me know when you do lunch usually and days that changes.  TX

 

ME: Ever since I started working with X, I have no "usual" lunch time. It always just depends on what our work load is on any given day.

 

HER: OK then each day I need you to please advise when you will be taking lunch when you know.  At worst, please tell me when you leave and come back.  TX

 

(Six minutes later...I'm not exaggerating)

 

HER: so when are you taking lunch?

 

You told me to notify you when I knew I was going to lunch...so if I haven't notified you in the last SIX MINUTES then I probably don't know yet when I'm going to lunch.  And now I have to tell you every day that I'm going to lunch and I have no idea why I need to do this.

 

You do not have such pressing work that you need to know my whereabouts at all times.  Even my litigation attorneys who do have pressing work such as court filings, don't make me tell them when I'm going to lunch.  If we're in the middle of a project I might say something like "I'm going to grab lunch while we're waiting on such and such."  But in general, they don't keep tabs on me because they don't need to.  So I'm not exactly sure why you need to.  But whatever.

 

Like HR said, I should pick my battles with you.  You just better hope that when I do pick a battle, I'm not armed with nuclear weapons.

Reason #35

You sent me an email, asking me to print some things, with these instructions:

I need on an expedited basis (before lunch, perhaps?) all the emails, including all the attachments in all the emails.  Please staple each individual email and each attachment within it.

Also, if there are any attachments you can't print, send me back the email by email and I will address.  (I don't know whether this will be the case or not.)

Because I was working on a project already and had a lunch date with 2 of the equity partners and one of their assistants, I asked Reception to handle this for you.  I copied you on the email I forwarded them (like I always do, so you know I’ve delegated the project), and this was your reply:

Make sure she understands exactly what to do...I don't have the energy to day to deal with it having to be redone.  TX

What exactly am I supposed to explain to Reception? I forwarded the email you sent me which included your instructions.  I have nothing to add other than what, “Follow the instructions?”

But the best part is when Reception was working on this project and she had something she needed to clarify with you, you apparently went all raging bitch on her because you were sick and didn’t have the “energy” to deal with it. A) If you’re that sick, stay the hell home.  B) If you can’t take the time to clarify a project, we’d be more than happy to do it wrong for you and then bitch about you behind your back when you complain about how it was done wrong because you didn’t have the energy to answer questions.

I came back from lunch to a scolding letter to you and I both from HR saying that, in the future, if you and I aren’t available for consultation during a project, the project would have to wait until I returned.  However, HR told me in confidence that the letter wasn’t actually directed at me, it was directed at you, but because you’re such a prima donna, HR had to address the letter to both of us so you wouldn’t throw a fit at being reprimanded for being a raging bitch.  And HR was also pissed that you were so mean and talked down to Reception, who was helping you on a project.

Seriously, stay home when you’re that sick.  In fact, stay home when you aren’t sick.  The office is a much nicer place to be when you’re not here.

Reason #32-34

Reason #32

You gave me a receipt for your expense report – a receipt for your lunch with John Doe, Bill Jones’ music attorney.  Now, I know that expense reports don’t have to be too detailed and if I write “Lunch with John Doe, Bill Jones’ music attorney” nobody is going to give a crap and Accounting is not going to write that entire thing on their books.  So I abbreviated it to “Lunch with Bill Jones’ music attorney.”

Not only did you correct it to include John Doe’s name, but you changed Jones’ to Jones’s.  Upon seeing this I diplomatically asked, “Oh, is that how you like to do it, apostrophe S?”  You informed me that that was the “right way” to do it so I informed you that both forms are actually correct.  But since I had to walk all the way back across the office to fix the report to include John Doe’s damn name (unnecessarily, because again, Accounting doesn’t give a damn), I was going to fix your little apostrophe S crap.

Reason #33

When you happened to be near my desk later, you jokingly said to me, in reference to the whole apostrophe catastrophe, “I’ll have to check Strunk & White about that one!”  Which is your way of saying, “I don’t believe you so I’m going to double check.”  Well listen up bitch – it’s right.  Strunk & White prefer to use Jones’s but Jones’ is grammatically correct as well.  If you didn’t believe me, you should have just checked, but to go out of your way to make a condescending remark to me in the guise of a joke is just fucking annoying.

Reason #34

Recently you said something to me like, “I don’t know why I bother to proof anything, you’re a much better proofer than I am.”

First, you suck at proofing so bad that I honestly think you don’t proof things and I’m worried about the crap you might be sending out without letting me proof it first.  Oh wait, I saw the retainer letter you sent wherein you didn’t even get the case name caption correct.  Secondly, if I’m a better proofer than you are (and I am, because let’s face it, I’ve seen your work), then stop second guessing me when I write things like Jones’.

Reason #31

You send me emails and ask me to print them.  All three pages or so.  Despite the fact that there is a printer in your office.  Right next to you.  And in the time it took you to forward that email, asking me to print it and walk it all the way across the entire office, you could have printed it yourself.  A dozen times over.

Reason #30

You saw a bill go out for ABC Company and wondered why it was sent to Bob Smith and copied to Doug Jones.  You frantically asked Accounting "Why was this copied to Doug Jones?!" 

So Accounting and I looked at the file.  When it was opened, the new file form said that billing should go to Bob Smith and copied to Doug Jones.  But why did I fill the form out that way?  Further investigation reveals that when you told me to open a file, that’s what you told me to do.  And I’ve got the email to back it up.

When told this by Accounting, your response was something along the lines of “Why would I tell you to do that?” 

Oh honey, why do you do any of the stupid things you do?

Reason #29

You asked me to update your MCLE file so I asked if you had the folder.  You briefly checked your desk drawers and said no, that the temp must have had it at her desk. I checked her desk and mine and it was nowhere to be found so I asked if you could please check again to see if you had it.  And you replied:

“sorry, I do have.  My old firm had an 81/2x14; this one is smaller, 81/2x11...I missed it.”

Do you know why it’s in an 8 ½ x 11 folder? Because you asked for it to be.  Because you like letter size folders.  See Reason #2 to refresh your memory.

UPDATE

The very day I wrote my last entry, someone got fired and I was reassigned to a new team.  And while the new team had its challenges, it meant I didn't work with you anymore, except long enough to train the temp that was replacing me.

And so it went for about two months until the company decided they weren't going to hire the temp, they juggled the teams some more, and I ended up with you again.

It was only a matter of time before the annoyances started.  Tick tock...tick tock, my friend.

Admittedly, I don't work with you as much one-on-one anymore, but everyone knows that working with you at all means...this blog will have new life.

Reason #28

Last night you emailed myself and another assistant, saying, "I hear all I need to do is ask for more and toner will appear on my printer..."

First off, if you don't know how to change the toner on your printer, you are clueless.  No other attorney here has ever asked me to change their toner.  Secondly, saying "Please" usually helps when you're asking people to do (stupid) things for you.  And last but not least, who do you think we are, the Toner Fairies?

So I left a box of toner on your printer.  There, it magically appeared on your printer.  And then this conversation happened:

YOU:  (gesturing to the box of toner on your printer) What's that?

ME:  (filing something) Your toner.

YOU:  Do I have to put it in?

ME:  Yes.

YOU:  I don't know how to do that.

ME:  (Trying to keep the disdain out of my voice) You don't know how to change toner?

YOU:  No.

ME:  What do you do at home?

YOU:  I don't have toner at home.

ME:  (says nothing and goes to change the toner because you are clueless and expect everyone to do everything for you because clearly you cannot be bothered to do these things for yourself)

Reason #27

You sent me an email saying "Go to this website BLAH BLAH BLAH and get this person's contact info.  His email address is BLAH BLAH BLAH.  In the notes please write BLAH BLAH BLAH."

In the time it took you to compose and send that email, you could've just done this yourself.

I'm not trying to shirk my assistant responsibilities but I'm not a big fan of doing stuff that you could've easily done yourself.  I'm not here to hold your hand and wipe your nose.  I'm here to do things you don't have time to do or to do the non-billable work such as copying exhibits, preparing document shells, filing stuff with the court, etc.  And you CLEARLY had time to do this because you spent the time to compose and send an email wherein you included almost all the information anyway.

And for the record, no other attorneys have had me routinely update their contacts.  But that's because you're special, isn't it?

If this job drives me to drink, I'm so billing them for rehab costs.

Reason #26

In your dictation tape, you say thinks like "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company."

I think I can handle possessive nouns.  And it takes longer to transcribe shit when you use say twice as many words as necessary.


And you referred to South Pasadena as "South Pas."

Who says that? 

You'll take the time to say "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company" but you can't be bothered to say "South Pasadena" because why, exactly?

Reason #25

You did not just clarify for me in your dictation tape that Sunset Plaza Drive "is three words."

Reason #24

To paraphrase Tom-Tom, head of the Six Chicks, from the movie 13 Going On 30, "I don't need a play by play."

I don't need to know that you're on your way into the office.  I'm going to assume that you are coming to work each day unless you tell me otherwise.   You don't need to email me or call me to let me know that you are in fact coming to work. 

And those times that you do call to tell me you're on your way in (which you don't need to do), you don't need to ask me if anyone is looking for you or if there is anything going on.  If there was, I would have contacted you to tell you so.

When you arrive to work, I don't need you to call me or email me to tell me that you are here.  (Especially since your voice is so loud that I can hear you all the way down the hall anyway.)

I don't need to know that you are going to Starbucks, are at Starbucks, or are on your way back from Starbucks.  Unless you're getting me a latte, I don't care.

I don't need to know that you are getting on a conference call, have a lunch at noon, or are going to a meeting.  Unless these things involve me in some way (you need me to prepare documents for you, you need me to make a lunch reservation, etc.) I don't need to know your every move.  Seriously.

If you're stepping out of the office to grab a coffee, or for a lunch meeting, I don't need to know this.  You only need to tell the Receptionist this so she knows how to handle your incoming calls.

I really don't need a play-by-play.

Reason #23

Several months ago we discussed that you were going to eventually need a second file cabinet because yours was quickly filling up.  We even discussed what type of file cabinet you wanted - one just like the current cabinet, that way they would fit nicely next to each other in that space and it wouldn't block the view out your windows.

And even though you're a notoriously messy person who has crap laying all over her desk and around her desk and on the floor by her desk and all over the top of your filing cabinet, you suddenly got a burr in your saddle and you needed that filing cabinet now.   You and I emailed about it; I assured you via email that I had put in the request for your filing cabinet; the Office Manager confirmed via email we were getting it.

So we put the cabinet in your office, I put your files away, all is well in your messy office, oui?

Mais no!  Someone else in the office says that you are now saying you never said you wanted a file cabinet, you just wanted some boxes.  And you don't want that file cabinet, you want a bigger, taller one.  Uh, should we have a formal hearing on this so I can testify to you and I discussing not only that you wanted a file cabinet but exactly what kind you wanted?  And then as Exhibit A we can produce the emails wherein we all discussed your desire to have a file cabinet?

Where's that pencil? I need to stab myself in the eye.

Reason #22

You gave me your timesheet proof with some changes that you wanted to make.

You had some changes to DOE.
You changed SMITH's time from .30 to .20.

I gave you the revised timesheet and you gave it back with more revisions.

You had some more changes for DOE.
You changed SMITH's time from .20 back to .30.

Seriously? I just went into our timekeeper program TWICE for a job that could have been done ONCE?  If you want several changes on DOE, give them to me all at once.  Don't give them to me, have me change them, and then have me add some more crap.  Give me all of your changes.  And if you aren't sure if there is more you want to change, don't give me the proof until you've made all the changes you want.

And if you wanted SMITH's time to be .30 then don't tell me to change it, that way you won't have to tell me to change it back.

How have I not stabbed myself in the eye with a pencil yet?

Reason #21

Your first email said:   "...make the revisions at your earliest convenience."

Your next email said:   "Can I please have this after lunch?  It has to go out today."

So which is it? At my convenience or after lunch?

Reason #20

While discussing an upcoming project,  you threw out the comment, "I don't like to give you things last minute."

Yet two other people in the office have told me that you were looking for me the other day at 5:45, asking them if I had gone home already because I hadn't answered the email you sent me, asking me to do something.  When they told you yes, I had gone home, you were surprised.  Even though the assistants leave at 5:30.  Are they sometimes in the office after 5:30? Yes, on occasion, if a project calls for it, but in general we walk out at 5:30.

So explain to me how a 5:45 project isn't giving me things at the last minute?

And is it "last minute" if you email me less than 5 minutes before you go on a conference call to say you need a stack of documents printed before you go on the call?  Because that seems kind of last minute, too.

Reason #19

You call me to say you can't find a form I typed for you.

I ask if you've looked under the client file on the server.  You say you did but you couln't find it.  You say the one on the server is the one you did, not the one I did.  I can tell you're trying to get me off the phone so you can go back to whatever it is you do when you're not annoying the hell out of me, but I keep you on the phone while I check the server.

I try to get you to clarify what you mean by what you did versus what I did because I don't recall you doing anything.  The only form that should exist is the form I typed.  And it's on the server.  Which is where I find it.  You "clarify" that you had a blank form on the server and I typed a form on the server - you say you can't find the typed form.

"It's on the server," I tell you, "under 'DOCS.'"  Right where it is supposed to be, right where it would be if you actually LOOKED.

"Oh" you say because what else is there to say when your assistant has subtley pointed out that you're a moron.  "But it's a blank form!" You proclaim, perhaps to save face.

"No, it's not," I reply because it is, in fact, not a blank form.

"Oh."

How am I not an alcoholic yet, working for you?