In your dictation tape, you say thinks like "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company."
I think I can handle possessive nouns. And it takes longer to transcribe shit when you use say twice as many words as necessary.
And you referred to South Pasadena as "South Pas."
Who says that?
You'll take the time to say "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company" but you can't be bothered to say "South Pasadena" because why, exactly?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Reason #25
You did not just clarify for me in your dictation tape that Sunset Plaza Drive "is three words."
Reason #24
To paraphrase Tom-Tom, head of the Six Chicks, from the movie 13 Going On 30, "I don't need a play by play."
I don't need to know that you're on your way into the office. I'm going to assume that you are coming to work each day unless you tell me otherwise. You don't need to email me or call me to let me know that you are in fact coming to work.
And those times that you do call to tell me you're on your way in (which you don't need to do), you don't need to ask me if anyone is looking for you or if there is anything going on. If there was, I would have contacted you to tell you so.
When you arrive to work, I don't need you to call me or email me to tell me that you are here. (Especially since your voice is so loud that I can hear you all the way down the hall anyway.)
I don't need to know that you are going to Starbucks, are at Starbucks, or are on your way back from Starbucks. Unless you're getting me a latte, I don't care.
I don't need to know that you are getting on a conference call, have a lunch at noon, or are going to a meeting. Unless these things involve me in some way (you need me to prepare documents for you, you need me to make a lunch reservation, etc.) I don't need to know your every move. Seriously.
If you're stepping out of the office to grab a coffee, or for a lunch meeting, I don't need to know this. You only need to tell the Receptionist this so she knows how to handle your incoming calls.
I really don't need a play-by-play.
I don't need to know that you're on your way into the office. I'm going to assume that you are coming to work each day unless you tell me otherwise. You don't need to email me or call me to let me know that you are in fact coming to work.
And those times that you do call to tell me you're on your way in (which you don't need to do), you don't need to ask me if anyone is looking for you or if there is anything going on. If there was, I would have contacted you to tell you so.
When you arrive to work, I don't need you to call me or email me to tell me that you are here. (Especially since your voice is so loud that I can hear you all the way down the hall anyway.)
I don't need to know that you are going to Starbucks, are at Starbucks, or are on your way back from Starbucks. Unless you're getting me a latte, I don't care.
I don't need to know that you are getting on a conference call, have a lunch at noon, or are going to a meeting. Unless these things involve me in some way (you need me to prepare documents for you, you need me to make a lunch reservation, etc.) I don't need to know your every move. Seriously.
If you're stepping out of the office to grab a coffee, or for a lunch meeting, I don't need to know this. You only need to tell the Receptionist this so she knows how to handle your incoming calls.
I really don't need a play-by-play.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Reason #23
Several months ago we discussed that you were going to eventually need a second file cabinet because yours was quickly filling up. We even discussed what type of file cabinet you wanted - one just like the current cabinet, that way they would fit nicely next to each other in that space and it wouldn't block the view out your windows.
And even though you're a notoriously messy person who has crap laying all over her desk and around her desk and on the floor by her desk and all over the top of your filing cabinet, you suddenly got a burr in your saddle and you needed that filing cabinet now. You and I emailed about it; I assured you via email that I had put in the request for your filing cabinet; the Office Manager confirmed via email we were getting it.
So we put the cabinet in your office, I put your files away, all is well in your messy office, oui?
Mais no! Someone else in the office says that you are now saying you never said you wanted a file cabinet, you just wanted some boxes. And you don't want that file cabinet, you want a bigger, taller one. Uh, should we have a formal hearing on this so I can testify to you and I discussing not only that you wanted a file cabinet but exactly what kind you wanted? And then as Exhibit A we can produce the emails wherein we all discussed your desire to have a file cabinet?
Where's that pencil? I need to stab myself in the eye.
And even though you're a notoriously messy person who has crap laying all over her desk and around her desk and on the floor by her desk and all over the top of your filing cabinet, you suddenly got a burr in your saddle and you needed that filing cabinet now. You and I emailed about it; I assured you via email that I had put in the request for your filing cabinet; the Office Manager confirmed via email we were getting it.
So we put the cabinet in your office, I put your files away, all is well in your messy office, oui?
Mais no! Someone else in the office says that you are now saying you never said you wanted a file cabinet, you just wanted some boxes. And you don't want that file cabinet, you want a bigger, taller one. Uh, should we have a formal hearing on this so I can testify to you and I discussing not only that you wanted a file cabinet but exactly what kind you wanted? And then as Exhibit A we can produce the emails wherein we all discussed your desire to have a file cabinet?
Where's that pencil? I need to stab myself in the eye.
Reason #22
You gave me your timesheet proof with some changes that you wanted to make.
You had some changes to DOE.
You changed SMITH's time from .30 to .20.
I gave you the revised timesheet and you gave it back with more revisions.
You had some more changes for DOE.
You changed SMITH's time from .20 back to .30.
Seriously? I just went into our timekeeper program TWICE for a job that could have been done ONCE? If you want several changes on DOE, give them to me all at once. Don't give them to me, have me change them, and then have me add some more crap. Give me all of your changes. And if you aren't sure if there is more you want to change, don't give me the proof until you've made all the changes you want.
And if you wanted SMITH's time to be .30 then don't tell me to change it, that way you won't have to tell me to change it back.
How have I not stabbed myself in the eye with a pencil yet?
You had some changes to DOE.
You changed SMITH's time from .30 to .20.
I gave you the revised timesheet and you gave it back with more revisions.
You had some more changes for DOE.
You changed SMITH's time from .20 back to .30.
Seriously? I just went into our timekeeper program TWICE for a job that could have been done ONCE? If you want several changes on DOE, give them to me all at once. Don't give them to me, have me change them, and then have me add some more crap. Give me all of your changes. And if you aren't sure if there is more you want to change, don't give me the proof until you've made all the changes you want.
And if you wanted SMITH's time to be .30 then don't tell me to change it, that way you won't have to tell me to change it back.
How have I not stabbed myself in the eye with a pencil yet?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Reason #21
Your first email said: "...make the revisions at your earliest convenience."
Your next email said: "Can I please have this after lunch? It has to go out today."
So which is it? At my convenience or after lunch?
Your next email said: "Can I please have this after lunch? It has to go out today."
So which is it? At my convenience or after lunch?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Reason #20
While discussing an upcoming project, you threw out the comment, "I don't like to give you things last minute."
Yet two other people in the office have told me that you were looking for me the other day at 5:45, asking them if I had gone home already because I hadn't answered the email you sent me, asking me to do something. When they told you yes, I had gone home, you were surprised. Even though the assistants leave at 5:30. Are they sometimes in the office after 5:30? Yes, on occasion, if a project calls for it, but in general we walk out at 5:30.
So explain to me how a 5:45 project isn't giving me things at the last minute?
And is it "last minute" if you email me less than 5 minutes before you go on a conference call to say you need a stack of documents printed before you go on the call? Because that seems kind of last minute, too.
Yet two other people in the office have told me that you were looking for me the other day at 5:45, asking them if I had gone home already because I hadn't answered the email you sent me, asking me to do something. When they told you yes, I had gone home, you were surprised. Even though the assistants leave at 5:30. Are they sometimes in the office after 5:30? Yes, on occasion, if a project calls for it, but in general we walk out at 5:30.
So explain to me how a 5:45 project isn't giving me things at the last minute?
And is it "last minute" if you email me less than 5 minutes before you go on a conference call to say you need a stack of documents printed before you go on the call? Because that seems kind of last minute, too.
Reason #19
You call me to say you can't find a form I typed for you.
I ask if you've looked under the client file on the server. You say you did but you couln't find it. You say the one on the server is the one you did, not the one I did. I can tell you're trying to get me off the phone so you can go back to whatever it is you do when you're not annoying the hell out of me, but I keep you on the phone while I check the server.
I try to get you to clarify what you mean by what you did versus what I did because I don't recall you doing anything. The only form that should exist is the form I typed. And it's on the server. Which is where I find it. You "clarify" that you had a blank form on the server and I typed a form on the server - you say you can't find the typed form.
"It's on the server," I tell you, "under 'DOCS.'" Right where it is supposed to be, right where it would be if you actually LOOKED.
"Oh" you say because what else is there to say when your assistant has subtley pointed out that you're a moron. "But it's a blank form!" You proclaim, perhaps to save face.
"No, it's not," I reply because it is, in fact, not a blank form.
"Oh."
How am I not an alcoholic yet, working for you?
I ask if you've looked under the client file on the server. You say you did but you couln't find it. You say the one on the server is the one you did, not the one I did. I can tell you're trying to get me off the phone so you can go back to whatever it is you do when you're not annoying the hell out of me, but I keep you on the phone while I check the server.
I try to get you to clarify what you mean by what you did versus what I did because I don't recall you doing anything. The only form that should exist is the form I typed. And it's on the server. Which is where I find it. You "clarify" that you had a blank form on the server and I typed a form on the server - you say you can't find the typed form.
"It's on the server," I tell you, "under 'DOCS.'" Right where it is supposed to be, right where it would be if you actually LOOKED.
"Oh" you say because what else is there to say when your assistant has subtley pointed out that you're a moron. "But it's a blank form!" You proclaim, perhaps to save face.
"No, it's not," I reply because it is, in fact, not a blank form.
"Oh."
How am I not an alcoholic yet, working for you?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Reason #18
You emailed me, asking for "Witkin Volume 1."
What the hell is that? A book? A CD compilation of Witkin's greatest hits? I may be a legal assistant but I am not a legal librarian. I am not familiar with every book in our library. Yes, library. As in, we have an ENTIRE library full of legal books. Not to mention that I don't handle the legal books very often - on occasion I'll be asked to copy something from a book but it's extremely rare that I am ever asked to fetch a book (so rare in fact that I don't think I've ever done it in this office). When I told you I was unfamiliar with said book you stated that it was in the library "on the far shelf."
Again, an ENTIRE library full of books. There are many, many shelves. And depending on where you stand, ANY shelf could be the "far shelf." I had to ask another attorney, "Do you know where Witkin is?" to avoid having to check every shelf, since I had no idea where X was standing in her mind when she was visually picturing the "far shelf."
I've started a band called Witkin. Our new album, The Far Shelf, is due out next month.
What the hell is that? A book? A CD compilation of Witkin's greatest hits? I may be a legal assistant but I am not a legal librarian. I am not familiar with every book in our library. Yes, library. As in, we have an ENTIRE library full of legal books. Not to mention that I don't handle the legal books very often - on occasion I'll be asked to copy something from a book but it's extremely rare that I am ever asked to fetch a book (so rare in fact that I don't think I've ever done it in this office). When I told you I was unfamiliar with said book you stated that it was in the library "on the far shelf."
Again, an ENTIRE library full of books. There are many, many shelves. And depending on where you stand, ANY shelf could be the "far shelf." I had to ask another attorney, "Do you know where Witkin is?" to avoid having to check every shelf, since I had no idea where X was standing in her mind when she was visually picturing the "far shelf."
I've started a band called Witkin. Our new album, The Far Shelf, is due out next month.
Reason #17
When IT came to switch out my old computer for a new one, I told you I would be unavailable for about an hour; I wouldn't have access to email so if you needed me, you'd have to call me. It was over an hour later and you called me, asking if my computer was up yet. I replied, "No, we're still working on it." Did you get that, I said NO.
So what did you do? You emailed me a short while later, saying you needed something ASAP. You didn't call me (as I had instructed you to do) because you were on a conference call, but how exactly did you expect me to receive your email when I told you I didn't have access to email? Osmosis? If you couldn't call me, you should have emailed the front desk and asked them to do your project or you could have asked them to call me. But no. You emailed me. When you knew I couldn't access email.
And this isn't even the first time you've done this, emailing me "ASAP" projects when I said I would be unavailable. I'm flattered you think I can read email with my mind but I do not in fact have that superpower.
So what did you do? You emailed me a short while later, saying you needed something ASAP. You didn't call me (as I had instructed you to do) because you were on a conference call, but how exactly did you expect me to receive your email when I told you I didn't have access to email? Osmosis? If you couldn't call me, you should have emailed the front desk and asked them to do your project or you could have asked them to call me. But no. You emailed me. When you knew I couldn't access email.
And this isn't even the first time you've done this, emailing me "ASAP" projects when I said I would be unavailable. I'm flattered you think I can read email with my mind but I do not in fact have that superpower.
Reason #16
If you stopped deleting the headers out of your Word document, I wouldn't have to keep replacing them.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Reason #15
You had me pick some recyling papers up from your outbox and the post-it note asked that I give the papers to A so she could remove the staples, and she should then give them to J to recycle.
It does not take three people to do your recycling for you. It only takes one person - YOU.
You walk into the copy room -where EVERYONE knows the recylcing bin is kept - and you drop your papers in. That's it. Done. Finished. Recycling complete.
I don't need to pick them up, A does not need to remove the staples, and J does not need to recycle them.
Some of us have file boxes by our desk where we throw our recycling into for the interim - and when they get full, we empty them into the main bin in the copy room. You could do that. Why don't you do that? I'm going to suggest that you do that.
Because we all have much better things to do with our time than recycle papers for you when you can recycle them yourself.
It does not take three people to do your recycling for you. It only takes one person - YOU.
You walk into the copy room -where EVERYONE knows the recylcing bin is kept - and you drop your papers in. That's it. Done. Finished. Recycling complete.
I don't need to pick them up, A does not need to remove the staples, and J does not need to recycle them.
Some of us have file boxes by our desk where we throw our recycling into for the interim - and when they get full, we empty them into the main bin in the copy room. You could do that. Why don't you do that? I'm going to suggest that you do that.
Because we all have much better things to do with our time than recycle papers for you when you can recycle them yourself.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Reason #14
You couldn't get into an online program yesterday for several reasons. First off, you were using an incorrect link. Secondly, you didn't even know what your own username and password were. Third, you didn't know which email you used to sign up.
You tried calling tech support but they had you on hold "forever." So you told me to handle it. What, so *I* can stay on hold with tech support forever?
Look, you are one attorney which equals one caseload. I work for you and another attorney which means I have two caseloads. Your time is not more precious than mine. If anything, I have less time to handle stupid shit than you do because I have more to work on. Not to mention the matters you work on are less deadline-sensitive than the matters I work on. And, when other assistants are out, like yesterday, or have overflow work, I'm always the go-to person for backup (because I'm awesome like that). But that means I have even less time to go chasing username and passwords for shit you should know since it's yours.
You tried calling tech support but they had you on hold "forever." So you told me to handle it. What, so *I* can stay on hold with tech support forever?
Look, you are one attorney which equals one caseload. I work for you and another attorney which means I have two caseloads. Your time is not more precious than mine. If anything, I have less time to handle stupid shit than you do because I have more to work on. Not to mention the matters you work on are less deadline-sensitive than the matters I work on. And, when other assistants are out, like yesterday, or have overflow work, I'm always the go-to person for backup (because I'm awesome like that). But that means I have even less time to go chasing username and passwords for shit you should know since it's yours.
Reason #13
You asked me last week to move the client documents on the server from your personal folder to the client folders.
You just called me, asking if I did that because you need to find a particular document.
If you want to know if I moved documents on the server from your personal folder to a client folder, why don't you just look on the server instead of calling me and asking me?
Do I have to hold your hand for everything?
Look in your personal folder. If it's there, it's there. If it's not there, it's in the client folder.
You just called me, asking if I did that because you need to find a particular document.
If you want to know if I moved documents on the server from your personal folder to a client folder, why don't you just look on the server instead of calling me and asking me?
Do I have to hold your hand for everything?
Look in your personal folder. If it's there, it's there. If it's not there, it's in the client folder.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Reason #12
You had a pdf form from the Assessor's office that you neeeded me to fill out. You handwrote your changes on a printed copy of the form and then you emailed me the pdf form that needed to be updated.
Except the form you wrote your changes on is from 2006.
The form you emailed me is from 2010.
And they don't match.
If you're going to have me update a 2010 form, maybe you should have printed that form and written on it. I'm just saying.
Except the form you wrote your changes on is from 2006.
The form you emailed me is from 2010.
And they don't match.
If you're going to have me update a 2010 form, maybe you should have printed that form and written on it. I'm just saying.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Reason #11
When you went to England over Thanksgiving, you had your phone set up for international service and canceled it when you got back. When an international charge showed up on your phone bill several months later, you thought they had forgotten to cancel the international service like you had asked them to. So you told me to call them to cancel it. I told you that I can't make changes to your personal cell phone account because I'm not an authorized user. You said you'd get me added to your account.
Before you did that you thankfully realized that the international charge was for a phone call and not actual international service and everything was fine. But may I just say that I do not want to be on your personal acocunt, nor should I be. I'm not your family, next of kin, or personal assistant. I should not have access to your personal accounts nor do I want to. If anything were to go wrong with them, I could possibly be held responsible since I'd be an authorized user. And that's not a responsibility I want with anyone. Not to mention it's not my job to go changing your personal accounts around.
In fact, there are only three accounts I can think of where I am an authorized user/account holder/card holder with anyone, and that's someone in my family. I draw the line there.
Before you did that you thankfully realized that the international charge was for a phone call and not actual international service and everything was fine. But may I just say that I do not want to be on your personal acocunt, nor should I be. I'm not your family, next of kin, or personal assistant. I should not have access to your personal accounts nor do I want to. If anything were to go wrong with them, I could possibly be held responsible since I'd be an authorized user. And that's not a responsibility I want with anyone. Not to mention it's not my job to go changing your personal accounts around.
In fact, there are only three accounts I can think of where I am an authorized user/account holder/card holder with anyone, and that's someone in my family. I draw the line there.
Reason #10
You emailed me about having a FedEx package that needed to go out. When I didn't respond (because I was at lunch and then I was working on a project), you emailed me a second time. I know when the FedEx deadline is, I knew I had time to get my project finished and then get to your FedEx package. But you called me to tell me you had a FedEx package, as if I hadn't read the two emails you'd sent regarding it.
When I got to your office I saw that it was a personal package. Not work related, personal. And you didn't have it ready to go. You needed to print a packing slip for it, could I log into your account and do that for you? I told you no, I didn't have time for that which was true - but what was also true was that it's not my job to log into your personal online accounts to print packing slips for shit you're returning. I came back when your package was ready and sent it out, all on company time, when I should've been working on company work. Not your personal stuff. I am not employed by you, I am not paid by you. I work for this company and this company did not hire me to return your shoes.
When I got to your office I saw that it was a personal package. Not work related, personal. And you didn't have it ready to go. You needed to print a packing slip for it, could I log into your account and do that for you? I told you no, I didn't have time for that which was true - but what was also true was that it's not my job to log into your personal online accounts to print packing slips for shit you're returning. I came back when your package was ready and sent it out, all on company time, when I should've been working on company work. Not your personal stuff. I am not employed by you, I am not paid by you. I work for this company and this company did not hire me to return your shoes.
Reason #9
If you tell me to do something "when I get a chance" then that means I will do it when I get a chance.
Don't call me looking for the project 15 minutes later. If you needed it in 15 minutes, tell me that when you give it to me. Do not say, "When you get a chance..." if what you mean is "I need this in 15 minutes."
Don't call me looking for the project 15 minutes later. If you needed it in 15 minutes, tell me that when you give it to me. Do not say, "When you get a chance..." if what you mean is "I need this in 15 minutes."
Reason #8
Stop micro-managing.
If you email me about something, do not call me about it unless you are changing it or adding to it. If you call me about something, do not email me about it. Making me read an email when all you're going to do is call me about it is annoying and a waste of time for both of us.
Like the time you emailed me twice and then called me. Totally not necessary.
And when you talk to HR about us working together and they suggest you stop micro-managing me, don't tell them "I don't do that" after you said to me, and this is a direct quote, "I know I micro-manage."
If you email me about something, do not call me about it unless you are changing it or adding to it. If you call me about something, do not email me about it. Making me read an email when all you're going to do is call me about it is annoying and a waste of time for both of us.
Like the time you emailed me twice and then called me. Totally not necessary.
And when you talk to HR about us working together and they suggest you stop micro-managing me, don't tell them "I don't do that" after you said to me, and this is a direct quote, "I know I micro-manage."
Reason #7
You left me a post-it note today that asked if you were a member of a particular bar association and if not, should you be.
I have not worked with you long enough to know which associations you belong to - and if you don't know, how would I? And why don't you know which associations you belong to? Isn't that something you should know?
And who am I to say if you should or should not belong to a particular association? Join whichever association you want.
I have not worked with you long enough to know which associations you belong to - and if you don't know, how would I? And why don't you know which associations you belong to? Isn't that something you should know?
And who am I to say if you should or should not belong to a particular association? Join whichever association you want.
Reason #6
You are used to having an "entertainment" assistant who makes lunch dates for you, answers your phone, is friendly with all your clients and their assistants, and organizes your magazines.
I am a litigation assistant who has been assigned to you. I have court deadlines and paperwork out the wazoo on a daily basis. If I have a lunch date to make for you and a court filing due for another attorney, the court filing is going to take precedence.
And when I tell you that I know setting a lunch date is important to do for you but a court filing is more important, don't keep referencing how "important" everything is in future emails as some sort of subtle dig at me.
I am a litigation assistant who has been assigned to you. I have court deadlines and paperwork out the wazoo on a daily basis. If I have a lunch date to make for you and a court filing due for another attorney, the court filing is going to take precedence.
And when I tell you that I know setting a lunch date is important to do for you but a court filing is more important, don't keep referencing how "important" everything is in future emails as some sort of subtle dig at me.
Reason #5
You hand me something to copy or scan and AFTER I give it back to you, you tell me you wanted it in color. I have very little tolerance for repeating my work. If it's due to my own error, I can handle that, but when I have to repeat things because you didn't tell me what you wanted when you gave me instructions? That is annoying.
And speaking of repeating work, there is really no NECESSITY for scanning stuff in color just because somebody signed an agreement in blue pen. All that matters legally is that it is signed. Nobody gives a damn if the copy you mail or email them is in color. So if you give me a document to scan and you do NOT tell me beforehand that it needs to be in color, not only is it a waste of time for me to have to REDO it (due to your lack of clear instruction) but it's a double waste of time when I'm redoing the work for absolutely no reason at all. (Should this count as it's own separate reason?)
And speaking of repeating work, there is really no NECESSITY for scanning stuff in color just because somebody signed an agreement in blue pen. All that matters legally is that it is signed. Nobody gives a damn if the copy you mail or email them is in color. So if you give me a document to scan and you do NOT tell me beforehand that it needs to be in color, not only is it a waste of time for me to have to REDO it (due to your lack of clear instruction) but it's a double waste of time when I'm redoing the work for absolutely no reason at all. (Should this count as it's own separate reason?)
Reason #4
When you enter your time, you say things like "Emailed client regarding Ownership Agreement." But then you have me edit your entries after the preview comes back from accounting so that it says, "Emailed John Doe regarding Ownership Agreement." I think when John Doe gets his bill and sees "Emailed client" he's going to know you mean him.
It's a waste of my time to correct stupid shit like this. Correcting time, adding or changing the content of an entry, that all makes sense. But taking the time to change entries from "client" to the client's name is lame. Especially since you enter this stuff in the first place. If you know you're going to change everything to the client's name instead of "client" why not just write that in the first place and save us all the time?
It's a waste of my time to correct stupid shit like this. Correcting time, adding or changing the content of an entry, that all makes sense. But taking the time to change entries from "client" to the client's name is lame. Especially since you enter this stuff in the first place. If you know you're going to change everything to the client's name instead of "client" why not just write that in the first place and save us all the time?
Reason #3
Today you asked if I could organize your Variety magazines. As in, put them in chronological order. I'm a legal assistant. I've been a legal assistant for over 10 years. Does this firm really pay me to organize your magazines? Seriously? I have legal shit to do.
Reason #2
You like to use letter size folders. Even though this is a law firm and we use legal size folders. Law firm, legal folders, see the connection? That means we have to order letter size folders just for you. Just like we have to order those stupid paper clips just for you.
Reason #1
You use those stupid paper clips, those plastic ones that crimp the paper. You say you use them because they do not crimp the paper like metal clips do. But I think you're crazy.
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