Reason #30

You saw a bill go out for ABC Company and wondered why it was sent to Bob Smith and copied to Doug Jones.  You frantically asked Accounting "Why was this copied to Doug Jones?!" 

So Accounting and I looked at the file.  When it was opened, the new file form said that billing should go to Bob Smith and copied to Doug Jones.  But why did I fill the form out that way?  Further investigation reveals that when you told me to open a file, that’s what you told me to do.  And I’ve got the email to back it up.

When told this by Accounting, your response was something along the lines of “Why would I tell you to do that?” 

Oh honey, why do you do any of the stupid things you do?

Reason #29

You asked me to update your MCLE file so I asked if you had the folder.  You briefly checked your desk drawers and said no, that the temp must have had it at her desk. I checked her desk and mine and it was nowhere to be found so I asked if you could please check again to see if you had it.  And you replied:

“sorry, I do have.  My old firm had an 81/2x14; this one is smaller, 81/2x11...I missed it.”

Do you know why it’s in an 8 ½ x 11 folder? Because you asked for it to be.  Because you like letter size folders.  See Reason #2 to refresh your memory.

UPDATE

The very day I wrote my last entry, someone got fired and I was reassigned to a new team.  And while the new team had its challenges, it meant I didn't work with you anymore, except long enough to train the temp that was replacing me.

And so it went for about two months until the company decided they weren't going to hire the temp, they juggled the teams some more, and I ended up with you again.

It was only a matter of time before the annoyances started.  Tick tock...tick tock, my friend.

Admittedly, I don't work with you as much one-on-one anymore, but everyone knows that working with you at all means...this blog will have new life.

Reason #28

Last night you emailed myself and another assistant, saying, "I hear all I need to do is ask for more and toner will appear on my printer..."

First off, if you don't know how to change the toner on your printer, you are clueless.  No other attorney here has ever asked me to change their toner.  Secondly, saying "Please" usually helps when you're asking people to do (stupid) things for you.  And last but not least, who do you think we are, the Toner Fairies?

So I left a box of toner on your printer.  There, it magically appeared on your printer.  And then this conversation happened:

YOU:  (gesturing to the box of toner on your printer) What's that?

ME:  (filing something) Your toner.

YOU:  Do I have to put it in?

ME:  Yes.

YOU:  I don't know how to do that.

ME:  (Trying to keep the disdain out of my voice) You don't know how to change toner?

YOU:  No.

ME:  What do you do at home?

YOU:  I don't have toner at home.

ME:  (says nothing and goes to change the toner because you are clueless and expect everyone to do everything for you because clearly you cannot be bothered to do these things for yourself)

Reason #27

You sent me an email saying "Go to this website BLAH BLAH BLAH and get this person's contact info.  His email address is BLAH BLAH BLAH.  In the notes please write BLAH BLAH BLAH."

In the time it took you to compose and send that email, you could've just done this yourself.

I'm not trying to shirk my assistant responsibilities but I'm not a big fan of doing stuff that you could've easily done yourself.  I'm not here to hold your hand and wipe your nose.  I'm here to do things you don't have time to do or to do the non-billable work such as copying exhibits, preparing document shells, filing stuff with the court, etc.  And you CLEARLY had time to do this because you spent the time to compose and send an email wherein you included almost all the information anyway.

And for the record, no other attorneys have had me routinely update their contacts.  But that's because you're special, isn't it?

If this job drives me to drink, I'm so billing them for rehab costs.

Reason #26

In your dictation tape, you say thinks like "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company."

I think I can handle possessive nouns.  And it takes longer to transcribe shit when you use say twice as many words as necessary.


And you referred to South Pasadena as "South Pas."

Who says that? 

You'll take the time to say "David apostrophe s company" instead of "David's company" but you can't be bothered to say "South Pasadena" because why, exactly?

Reason #25

You did not just clarify for me in your dictation tape that Sunset Plaza Drive "is three words."