Reason #32-34

Reason #32

You gave me a receipt for your expense report – a receipt for your lunch with John Doe, Bill Jones’ music attorney.  Now, I know that expense reports don’t have to be too detailed and if I write “Lunch with John Doe, Bill Jones’ music attorney” nobody is going to give a crap and Accounting is not going to write that entire thing on their books.  So I abbreviated it to “Lunch with Bill Jones’ music attorney.”

Not only did you correct it to include John Doe’s name, but you changed Jones’ to Jones’s.  Upon seeing this I diplomatically asked, “Oh, is that how you like to do it, apostrophe S?”  You informed me that that was the “right way” to do it so I informed you that both forms are actually correct.  But since I had to walk all the way back across the office to fix the report to include John Doe’s damn name (unnecessarily, because again, Accounting doesn’t give a damn), I was going to fix your little apostrophe S crap.

Reason #33

When you happened to be near my desk later, you jokingly said to me, in reference to the whole apostrophe catastrophe, “I’ll have to check Strunk & White about that one!”  Which is your way of saying, “I don’t believe you so I’m going to double check.”  Well listen up bitch – it’s right.  Strunk & White prefer to use Jones’s but Jones’ is grammatically correct as well.  If you didn’t believe me, you should have just checked, but to go out of your way to make a condescending remark to me in the guise of a joke is just fucking annoying.

Reason #34

Recently you said something to me like, “I don’t know why I bother to proof anything, you’re a much better proofer than I am.”

First, you suck at proofing so bad that I honestly think you don’t proof things and I’m worried about the crap you might be sending out without letting me proof it first.  Oh wait, I saw the retainer letter you sent wherein you didn’t even get the case name caption correct.  Secondly, if I’m a better proofer than you are (and I am, because let’s face it, I’ve seen your work), then stop second guessing me when I write things like Jones’.

Reason #31

You send me emails and ask me to print them.  All three pages or so.  Despite the fact that there is a printer in your office.  Right next to you.  And in the time it took you to forward that email, asking me to print it and walk it all the way across the entire office, you could have printed it yourself.  A dozen times over.

Reason #30

You saw a bill go out for ABC Company and wondered why it was sent to Bob Smith and copied to Doug Jones.  You frantically asked Accounting "Why was this copied to Doug Jones?!" 

So Accounting and I looked at the file.  When it was opened, the new file form said that billing should go to Bob Smith and copied to Doug Jones.  But why did I fill the form out that way?  Further investigation reveals that when you told me to open a file, that’s what you told me to do.  And I’ve got the email to back it up.

When told this by Accounting, your response was something along the lines of “Why would I tell you to do that?” 

Oh honey, why do you do any of the stupid things you do?

Reason #29

You asked me to update your MCLE file so I asked if you had the folder.  You briefly checked your desk drawers and said no, that the temp must have had it at her desk. I checked her desk and mine and it was nowhere to be found so I asked if you could please check again to see if you had it.  And you replied:

“sorry, I do have.  My old firm had an 81/2x14; this one is smaller, 81/2x11...I missed it.”

Do you know why it’s in an 8 ½ x 11 folder? Because you asked for it to be.  Because you like letter size folders.  See Reason #2 to refresh your memory.

UPDATE

The very day I wrote my last entry, someone got fired and I was reassigned to a new team.  And while the new team had its challenges, it meant I didn't work with you anymore, except long enough to train the temp that was replacing me.

And so it went for about two months until the company decided they weren't going to hire the temp, they juggled the teams some more, and I ended up with you again.

It was only a matter of time before the annoyances started.  Tick tock...tick tock, my friend.

Admittedly, I don't work with you as much one-on-one anymore, but everyone knows that working with you at all means...this blog will have new life.

Reason #28

Last night you emailed myself and another assistant, saying, "I hear all I need to do is ask for more and toner will appear on my printer..."

First off, if you don't know how to change the toner on your printer, you are clueless.  No other attorney here has ever asked me to change their toner.  Secondly, saying "Please" usually helps when you're asking people to do (stupid) things for you.  And last but not least, who do you think we are, the Toner Fairies?

So I left a box of toner on your printer.  There, it magically appeared on your printer.  And then this conversation happened:

YOU:  (gesturing to the box of toner on your printer) What's that?

ME:  (filing something) Your toner.

YOU:  Do I have to put it in?

ME:  Yes.

YOU:  I don't know how to do that.

ME:  (Trying to keep the disdain out of my voice) You don't know how to change toner?

YOU:  No.

ME:  What do you do at home?

YOU:  I don't have toner at home.

ME:  (says nothing and goes to change the toner because you are clueless and expect everyone to do everything for you because clearly you cannot be bothered to do these things for yourself)

Reason #27

You sent me an email saying "Go to this website BLAH BLAH BLAH and get this person's contact info.  His email address is BLAH BLAH BLAH.  In the notes please write BLAH BLAH BLAH."

In the time it took you to compose and send that email, you could've just done this yourself.

I'm not trying to shirk my assistant responsibilities but I'm not a big fan of doing stuff that you could've easily done yourself.  I'm not here to hold your hand and wipe your nose.  I'm here to do things you don't have time to do or to do the non-billable work such as copying exhibits, preparing document shells, filing stuff with the court, etc.  And you CLEARLY had time to do this because you spent the time to compose and send an email wherein you included almost all the information anyway.

And for the record, no other attorneys have had me routinely update their contacts.  But that's because you're special, isn't it?

If this job drives me to drink, I'm so billing them for rehab costs.